December has been an amazing month!

Megan and I are finally settled into our apartment. It feels less new, and more like home every day.

I helped celebrate the twin's 7th birthday, American Girl style.

I went to my first ( and hopefully not last) Cav's game. We won by three points in overtime, and I had a great time with my Dad, aunt, uncle, and cousin!

I celebrated the engagement of two of my closet friends, Gwen and Cora. Cora invited Gwen's best friends to a surprise party the night she planned to propose. It was awesome to be able to share in their special day! I can't wait for the wedding next fall!

Christmas was really great too! Megan and I traded presents on Christmas Eve morning, and then I went home to spend a few days with my family, which is always nice. I got a lot of nice gifts. My favorites were tires for my car, a new rice cooker (which made its debut in our kitchen tonight), and some new clothes and shoes and scarves! My bosses gave me a Northface jacket, and a pretty nice Christmas bonus, which I'm going to use to finish decorating my room!

Tomorrow, my cousin Charlotte is coming and she is bringing baby Colt, who I haven't seen since July! I'm so excited to see the both of them!!

I'm also excited for New Year's Eve! Megan and I are hosting a party for a few of our friends, and it should be a lot of fun!

I am really just in awe that 2013 is almost over.

I started this year by driving from Newcomerstown to North Carolina with my friend Corinne. During that first week, I decided that I wanted to stay in North Carolina and eventually move to Raleigh... and a whole bunch of other things that never happened.

The rest of the year was just as full of crazy and essentially life changing decisions. In July, Megan came to visit for a week. The year and a half that I had spent in North Carolina was pretty lonely, so having a friend made me realized how badly I needed to be back in Ohio. So here I am!

A lot of crazy things have happened this year, both good and bad.

I became a Vegan, and switched to a mostly gluten free diet.
I got a whole bunch of stitches and a forever scar in my forehead.
I moved back to Ohio from North Carolina.
I got an amazing job with an amazing family.
I moved into an apartment with my best friend.
I met a lot of incredible people, and some really awful people too.
I made some crazy decisions, but I survived all of my mistakes.
I laughed a lot, and cried a little bit.
I hit rock bottom, but ended up happier than I've ever been.

I can't wait to see what 2014 brings!

I have a love hate relationship with this time of year.

On one hand, I love Christmas and Thanksgiving, and being around my friends and family. However, that love pales in comparison to my dislike of cold weather, and the fact that I suffer from seasonal depression. I've been avoiding depression by hitting the tanning bed, and I try to remind myself that at least I don't have to walk to class and to the dining hall, like I did in college. So, I'm surviving!

Right now, I'm sitting in my apartment watching a blizzard. I think the snow is really pretty, and there is something cozy about drinking hot chocolate and bundling up.

I love being in my apartment. Other than the house I grew up in, I've never been more comfortable in a place where I've lived. Moving in was insanely stressful, but that was three weeks ago , and things have been great ever since!

My drive to work takes a little longer because of traffic, but my gym is only five minutes down the road and all of the places where I like to shop and go out are close by too, which has been really nice. I've gone from paying $100 per paycheck on gas to just a little over $60 per check. I also spend a lot less time in the car, which leaves time for more important thing... like talking to my roommate or breaking in our new kitchen.

I never want to leave.

I've been working a lot lately. When I started I had every other Friday off, but a few weeks ago, my boss asked me if I would be willing to pick up the extra Friday. While I miss the three day weekends I used to have, I do appreciate the extra money, especially with Christmas coming up.

My job is really wonderful. I like the kids more and more every day. I've been trying to be really hands on lately. I plan activities for Luke, and try to do a game or craft every day. The twin's turned 7 on Thursday, so yesterday I made a treasure hunt for them. The had to find different clues in order to find their presents. It was so much fun, and the girls loved their gifts.

Well,  I have more to say but I think I need to take nap. I love Saturdays!

Today is my day off and I have a full to do list. So, in typical Stacy fashion, I decided to go to take an extra long shower, and go to the book store instead. 5 hours later, with Starbucks in hand, I should be ready to tackle my monstrous work load... but instead I decided that updating this blog for the third time in a week sounded like a better idea. 

I'll get to my to do list later. 

The reason I have so much to do is that, in nine days, Megan and I are moving into our new apartment. I'm totally freaking out with both excitement and anxiety and about ten thousand other emotions. But mostly excitement. 

Every Wednesday, the kids have gymnastics. (I promise this is relevant.) Their classes are back to back, so I spend  two and a half hours either trying to help the girls with their homework in a crowded room, or trying to keep Luke quiet and entertained. Most weeks, I see a girl there who is about my age. From her interactions with her kids, I've pretty much gathered that she is a nanny too, and I've already decided that we are going to eventually be great friends. (I'm good at that kind of thing.) 

Last night, one of the little girls she was with kept talking to Luke, and trying to give him hugs. Both of us were laughing at her lack of inhibition and for some reason I started to think back to the start of my friendship with Megan. 

During the second semester of our freshman year at Malone, we were in the same Psych of Human Development class. The class was a requirement for Psychology majors and Nursing majors. So, consequently there were probably about 40 people jammed into the room. Somehow, Megan and I ended up sitting next to each other. 

A few weeks later, the professor announced that we would all have to pick a partner and sign up to do a project. On the last day, when we were all supposed to have a partner, I handed the sign-up sheet to Megan (who I had never spoken to), and she asked if I had a partner... and the rest was history. 

Well, you get the point. 

Looking back, it seems like we became friends pretty quickly. I remember that she came to my dorm room one night to work on our project and we spend the whole time laughing, rather than working. That's the mark of a true friendship!

Flash forward five years later, and I can without a doubt say that she is the best friend that I've ever had. 

It's crazy though. I feel like we have both changed so much. She isn't the quiet girl with bangs that sat next to me in that class. I'm not the insecure and afraid girl that sat next to her either. We have both been through so much, both good and bad, over the last five years. It is really just incredible that somehow we ended up here. At similar places in life, in the same geographical area, and ready to be full blown, rent paying adults. 

As I mentioned before, this is really scary. But, it is a lot less scary knowing that I'm doing it all with my best friend. 

Realistically, I know we have it under control. I've reworked my budget from every angle, accounting for every possible emergency or crisis... and it works. Our bills will be paid, I'll still have money to have fun, my savings account will never be empty... and our apartment is really freaking nice! 

So, I don't really know where this post is going.. I'm kind of just rambling. But, the moral of the story is this:

When you meet someone new, you never know how important they could end up being, and life is so good. 

Before I Go Crazy...

Today at work, I took some funny pictures with the kids. The twins were being crazy and Luke was being super sweet (which is pretty typical), and we ended up having a dance party... also typical. 

As I was flipping back through the pictures, I noticed that my face looked so big... which is always the first sign that I'm gaining weight. 

It's true, I've put on about eight pounds since I moved back to Ohio. The first couple of months here, I didn't get much exercise and my eating ranges from super healthy to totally out of control. I don't really mind the weight that I'm at, but I also don't want to let things get out of control... which I know would be so like me. 

So, in order to get myself back on track , I've decided that I need a physical/mental health weekend. And, this is probably my last chance at that for a while. 

Next weekend, I will be packing and organizing everything I own and then the next weekend is moving day. It's all super exciting but just as stressful. 

So, this weekend I plan on spending extra time at the gym, eating the way I know I should, and sleeping a whole lot. I also plan on getting a whole bunch of crazy stuff out of the way... so the next couple of weeks will be a little less chaotic. 

I'm ordering my bedroom furniture (and maybe the living room/kitchen furniture too), purchasing renter's insurance (we already set up all of our utilities), getting organized, packing all of the clothes I know I won't wear in the next two weeks (like my bathing suit), and getting my interpersonal relationships under control. 

That last one is important... but I've already started taking care of it. 

First of all, for the past couple of weeks I've started to realize that I've been neglecting my friendship with Corinne. Since I've been staying with her and her family, I guess it's been easy to miss making plans with her. We talk almost ever day, but haven't really had much quality time together in a long time. So, on Tuesday we had lunch, and this weekend we are going to hang out, crochet, and listen to This American Life. It is totally not how I usually spend a Saturday night, but it is totally representative of my relationship with Corinne. So, I'm really excited. 

After I wrote my last post, I realized how crazy my situation with John has been. So, I decided that it was time to come clean with him. I basically just told him the same things that I wrote here. And I admitted that, as tempting as a relationship with him is, I'm not sure that I could be faithful to him... which is sucky of me, but not as sucky as if I were to get into a relationship with him, and then cheat. 

He understood, and gave me the whole "I'll give you time to figure things out." Speech. 

I've already figured things out... so I guess I need to make that clear. 

On Monday, I asked the other guy when we were going to hang out again and he said "Probably all weekend." We ended up hanging out on Tuesday, but hopefully he is still free this weekend...because he is exactly the kind of stress relief that I need. 

It's crazy... people talk about commitment and love and all of that stuff. But my relationship with this guy is honestly one of the best things I've ever done for myself. We don't fight, we don't get angry or jealous or any of those negative things associated with a "real relationship." We just have fun and enjoy each other's company.  Not that I'm dogging commitment... I want that eventually. But for now I just need to be 23, and have fun and take care of myself before worrying about anyone else. 

And this weekend seems like the best time to put all of that into practice. 

It's Been Awhile

My best friend just started a blog... which reminded me that this never ending supply of drama existed somewhere on the internet... and that, for posterity's sake I better update it. 

I haven't posted in forever... and when I did... it was in the middle of one of the most dramatic situations of my life. I feel like so many things have changed since then. They say time heals all wounds. They are right. 

But, the past is the past...and now it's time to talk about now. 

 A few months ago, I moved to Olmsted Falls which is a suburb of Cleveland. I moved in with one of my old college room mates and her family. I didn't have a job, or a plan. But, I figured if I wanted to be successful, this was the place to do it. And I did it. 

2 weeks after moving here, I got a job working as a nanny for an amazing family. I said I would never be a nanny after North Carolina. But, I found this job and it was perfect for me. It pays better than any other job that I applied to, it is so much fun, and I love the family more than I can even explain! The parents are wonderful, and the kids make me smile every moment. 

I work kind of long hours, and then head to the gym afterwards. I've been running more and more, and I love it. I ran a Color Run (5k) in September, and now I have my sights set on bigger and better things. I feel so strong. 

The most exciting news, is that Megan and I found our dream apartment and we move in in a couple of weeks! It's in the town of Fairview Park, which is just a couple of minutes from Cleveland. It's closer to my job, my gym and everywhere I go out. I'm so excited to live with my best friend, and the apartment is so much nicer than I would have dreamed my first apartment would be. I'm excited to host parties, and drink wine, and swim in the indoor pool... it is just so exciting. 

My "love life", has been a little crazy lately. I've never dated so much in my life. When I first got here, I met a really great guy named Brian. He was super nice, and we had a lot of fun together. But, we both got busy and it kind of fizzled out. I was a little sad, but I still think he is a great guy so it was worth it! 

Then there was a whirlwind of first dates. My friends all decided they had the "perfect guy" for me, and then I met some people when I went out. Lots of awkward dinners, and first kisses, and the whole "will he call" anticipation. For the most part they were all pretty nice, but not for me. 

Now, I'm in the weirdest situation of my life....

I met this really great guy. And we had chemistry like I've never had with anyone else... ever. Like, he walks into the room and I'm so drawn to him.  On our first date, we decided to walk around in this park  by his house. Time went so fast, and then suddenly he stopped walking, grabbed me and kissed me. I've never felt sparks like that...It was perfect. 

We ended up going to see a movie, and then spending most of the night hanging out at his apartment. I even tolerated his cat... I hate cats. 

He is perfect. I love being around him. When his name comes up on my phone, my heart stops beating. I've "never felt this way before"... or whatever it is that they say. 

The problem, is that I know he isn't ready to settle. And don't get me wrong, I'm not either...  But, I feel like dating isn't on the table. We hang out and have an awesome time, and then its over and I wait until I can see him again.. and that's that.   

He isn't going to be tamed. 

And then... I met John. 

John is the exact opposite of Seth. 

He is kind of nerdy. He likes to cuddle and watch movies. He buys me dinner and tells me he likes me. I met his family. 

He's the "boyfriend type". Sometimes I accidentally refer to him as my boyfriend. 

I should probably marry him. But, the spark just isn't there. 

I like hanging out with him, and it is so tempting to jump into a relationship with him because I know it could be great. 

But every time I think about settling down, the other guy asks to hang out, and I know I could never quit him.... because passion like that is too good to be wasted. 

So, yeah... I don't know what to do there.

This time last year, I worried I'd be single for the rest of my life. I guess losing 80 pounds, making bold life choices, and conquering the biggest asshole of them all has boosted my confidence enough that I can be myself around people. 

I'll figure it out soon. 

So in summary: I love my job, I love my new life, and things are going to be just fine. 

Saying Goodbye, and the Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm going to be okay.

I just keep telling myself that.

Things are going to be okay.

On Monday morning, I called Jim and asked him to come over to say goodbye.

Our last few moments together were great. He hugged so tightly, and kissed me goodbye and I felt like he really "meant it", whatever that means.

When we said goodbye, we promised to stay in touch, even though I knew it wouldn't really happen.

He told me to text him when I got home and let him know I made it... and it felt like he really cared.

Fast forward to 8 hours later. As soon as I pulled in to my driveway, I texted him to let him know I was home.

After an hour went by and I didn't hear back from him, I just started to feel really sad. And then finally, I got a reply, and I was happy again.

Then it donned on me how ridiculous it was that I was finally home with my family, on this new journey, and I was going to let my happiness be determined by whether or not some man texted me back or not.

So, I made a decision. A hard decision, but the best decision for everyone, I think.

I decided to tell Jim that I wasn't going to try to keep in touch.

It was hard, but I just kept thinking about how well things ended and that is how I want to remember him. I want to remember all of the times he made me laugh, and the times that we just laid on the couch talking about life, and all of the things that he said that made me feel amazing.

I want to remember him as the best person I met in North Carolina, rather than as the guy who I hooked up with a few times and then never heard from again.

I think it is going to be hard. Right now, everything reminds me of him.

I will text him before his surgery next month, and I will text him when I go to get my stuff from North Carolina and see Joe... but I'm not going to hold on to the hope that we are ever going to be together.

So, I think I'm doing the right thing.

As for everything else.. those things are okay too. My family drama has worked itself mostly out, and now I have time to focus on job searching and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

I'm going to be okay.

It's my last day in North Carolina!

It's crazy how I feel today. The past few days have been an insane emotional roller coaster, and I'm just ready to get off.

Between family drama, the idea of leaving Jim, and the stress of not having a job anymore, I've been kind of depressed. So, I'm ready to get in my car and leave it all behind for a while.

I feel like my day tomorrow is going to consist of saying goodbye to Jim, and being sad about it. Driving for 8-10 hours and being miserable. And then going home to all kinds of crazy, unnecessary drama.

But, I do think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think once I walk away from Jim, it will be easier to get over the "What could have been". And hopefully being home will help me find some clarity to all of my other problems.

I am so excited to go be around the people I love the most.

Hopefully my next few posts will be happier. I really am glad that I've made the decision to go back home. This past year has been amazing in so many ways, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it's time...

I'm kind of marveling at how my answers to a lot of my "questions" have already changed in just a couple of months. So, I figure I better hurry up and answer the rest over the next few days, so that I will really have a snapshot of who I was around the time I turned 23.

12. What do you appreciate most about your current situation?
        - I guess, more than anything, I appreciate all of the people in my life. My situation isn't necessarily ideal, and there are a lot of improvements that I need to make, but I have an amazing family and the best friends that I can ever imagine having, which makes any situation okay.

13. In one sentence, who are you?
      - I am an emerging adult, trying to find her place in this world.

14. What are ten things in your life right now that make you smile?
       - Colt, Jim, loud music in my car, good conversations with friends, friendly people, funny things I find on the internet, the endorphins I get from exercising, veganism, my mom, the future (sometimes).

15. What general qualities do you typically notice about people when you first meet them?
       - I guess I notice how easy someone is to talk to. As soon as I meet someone, I try to determine if I think they would make a good friend, which typically requires friendliness and a good sense of humor.

16. What is your purpose?
       - I wish I knew.... I think to help people. But, I don't know who and I don't know how.

17. Who brings out the best in you? Who brings out the worst in you?
       - I would say Wendy, Megan, Gina, Amanda, and my mom, bring out the best in me. I'm not sure who brings out the worst in me. Or maybe I do know, but I can't answer.

18. When do you feel most attractive?
       - Usually right before bed, when I'm about to wash all of my makeup off and put on my pajamas.

19. What is one fear that you know is holding you back?
        - I'm really afraid of failing. I'm really afraid of making a bad decision, so sometimes I just shut down and don't make any decisions at all.

20. What is something that you have always wanted to try?
       - Hmmmm I'm not sure. I'll have to think about this one.


On that note, I'm gong to bed.

I have so much to say these days apparently.

I'm in a great mood this morning. Yesterday I made a big decision, that I'm really happy about! I'm moving back to Ohio! Cleveland to be specific.

I had a phone interview at the place where my best friend works, so hopefully I can get a job there, but either way, this time in 2 weeks I will be in Ohio again.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

I have so much to do.

I am ready.... but I'll still miss Jim.

When Did Life Become so Bitter Sweet

I'm a bad person... get over it.

Yesterday Jim and I were laying together on his couch. He had been sick all day, and I accidentally woke him up from a nap. As I laid there, I could feel his heart thump inside of his chest. It was such a sweet moment, until I remembered that the reason his heart was beating so hard is because he is so sick.

Sometimes I dwell on the fact that he has been right next door for so long and I didn't even know it. But now, I'm starting to think that maybe it is a good thing.

Either way, we are both leaving this place, and I know that it would be so much harder to say goodbye had we met back in October.

But... I still can't help but think that maybe, if fate wouldn't have gotten in the way, we could have made this work.

Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe he is dishonest, and maybe I would never trust him enough for a relationship to work.... but I guess now I will never know.

For now, I'm going to enjoy the time we have left together and maybe someday we will cross paths again. And things will be just as magical.

I Know the Ending of this Story

I never thought I would be that girl? The girl who would be willing to break up a relationship. The girl who would kiss another girls' boyfriend and not even think twice.

But I am that girl. No, I'm worse than that girl.

For five days, I saw the girlfriend's car sitting in his driveway. I hated that car. It was bright red and obnoxious, just like I thought she would be.

On Friday, my friend an I made brownies, and decided to take some over to Jim and Will. Jim answered the door, and once again I was taken back by how perfect he is. His smell, the way he looked at me, everything was perfect. I heard the girlfriend in the background, and saw her moving around on the couch. But at that point she was still just a face, not a real person. Jim invited Megan and I over later for a fire. I was surprised, but excited. But that night, the fire didn't happen.

The next day, Megan and I were taking a painting class, when Jim invited us to another fire. I was nervous, I didn't want to meet his girlfriend. I didn't want to see them together. But, I wanted to be around him, so we went.

It was interesting.

I think the girlfriend knew something was up from the beginning. She was nice. I would probably be her friend if I wasn't trying to steal her boyfriend. But from the conversations we all had sitting around the fire, it was pretty obvious the Jim and I have spent a lot of time together.

A couple of weeks earlier, Jim talked to my mom on the phone, so when my mom called at this fire, he asked to talk to her again. We had inside jokes and texted each other while at the fire. Then, I mentioned that I thought I had glass in my foot, which is a whole other story, and Jim came over to check it out. He held on a little too long. I wasn't really paying attention to the rest of the people at the fire but Megan said the conversation went something like this:

Will: "Man I don't know how you are doing that, I hate feet!!"
Danielle: (In an annoyed tone) "Yeah, Jim hates feet too."

She went to bed shortly after that, without saying goodbye.

After everyone left (including Megan), Jim and I had time to talk. I told him that Danielle was nice, and that I didn't want her to be nice. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. He said she was in a bad mood, and that she was leaving in the morning. We put out the fire and he walked me home.

We talked for a few minutes, and I couldn't hold back. I grabbed him and kissed him and it was just like before.

I became that girl.

And at least for now, I don't regret it.

He told me I make things difficult. He said that he needs to think and that he has a decision to make.

I told him that I was jealous of his girlfriend, because she was with him and she got to spend time with him. He said that I'm the one he thinks about. He said he can't control himself around me and that he enjoys spending time with me.

We kissed some more and then he went back home.

I was getting ready for be and I got a text...

"Stacy, I can't explain it, I just enjoy being with you. We've been neighbors for 9 months, why did I just meet you now."

Because life sucks, that's why.

There is one person in this whole place that was worth meeting. He has lived next door since October, and now I meet him? Right when he is getting ready to leave? After he started dating his girlfriend.

If things would have been different, if the timing would have been right, who knows what might have happened? But he is leaving at the end of the month to go back to Boston, and I'm going to Ohio soon. And things just won't work.

And it just isn't fair.

I know the ending of our story. He will stay with his girlfriend, go back to Boston, and forget about me. I will spend the next few months wondering what might have been, until I find someone new. We will promise to keep in touch, even though we both know it wont happen.

And that will be it... and I couldn't be more bitter.

Heartbreak, Healing, and the Hardest Decision of My Life.

On Memorial Day, we had a cook-out with some of the people in my neighborhood. Our neighbor Joe hosted, and his two room mates, who I had never met, came. 

When Jim walked in, I was instantly attracted to him. The more I learned about him, the more I wanted to get to know him. And there was something about the way he looked at me that just drew me in. 

Unfortunately, I didn't see him again for a couple of weeks. Every time I left my house, I looked next door, hoping to catch a glimpse of Mr. Perfect, but it just never happened. 

A couple of weeks later, I went to the beach, which is where my fainting/head injury/stitches happened. Luckily, for a couple of reasons, Jim is a medic, and knows how to remove stitches. 

We had a total of three meetings (?) to take them out, and each time I learned more about who he is, and the butterflies in my stomach became more persistent. 

On a Friday afternoon he came over to take out the last 3 or 4. That weekend we were both scheduled to go to the beach, but I decided to stay home to take care of the dog, and he decided to stay home too. So, he gave me his number and told me to text him the next day. I was thrilled. 

The next day, I texted him and he came over to watch a movie. That movie turned into two, which turned into him taking me out to dinner, which turned into a fire at his place with his room mates. Eventually, him and his room mate came back to my house to watch another movie. During the movie, we just kept getting closer and closer, eventually holding hands and cuddling. I'm not even sure what the movie was about! 

When the movie was over, his room mate went back home, and he stayed. After a few awkward minutes we kissed...a lot. 

When he eventually left, I was overcome with the feeling that it was going to be a good thing. 

Oh how wrong I was...

On Wednesday, we went for a walk, and he mentioned that his friend Danielle was coming to visit for a few days, around the same time that my best friend Megan is coming to visit. For some reason, it just seems strange to me, like there was something funny about it. 

So, on Thursday night I decided to do some major digging, via the internet. What I found was devastating. I found his "friend" Danielle's Facebook page, which indicated that they were, in fact, in a relationship. 

I went through so many emotions in the moment. I was sad and angry. I felt played, but I also felt relieved that I found out so soon, before things got more serious. Heartbreak is probably a huge over statement, but I definitely feel betrayed and super disappointment. 

Jim has been at a kid's came this weekend, counseling kids who lost their parents in the war. (Seriously, does he have to be so wonderful?!) So, I haven't really gotten to talk to him about it. I need his side of the story, I need an explaination. 

But here is my dilemma: Do I tell his girlfriend? Everyone is telling me that I should, but I just don't know if I can. I think part of it is that I still really like him. Sure, I'm pissed off and would never date him. But, I just want to be around him and I know that if I tell her, he will never talk to me.... 

Life is hard.  

I'm going to answer some more of my questions soon, but first I have a story to tell you. 

I went to Myrtle Beach this weekend, and I had a really great time... well, mostly. 

We hung out on the beach, had a super nice room.. like it was a suite in this super nice hotel. The suite was bigger than the house I live in, and definitely a lot nicer. 

I met a lot of nice new people, and we all just had a good time! 

But then Saturday night, things took kind of a scary turn. 

Charlotte, Stephanie, Jennifer and I decided to use the free child care, and go out to dinner with a couple of other people who were there on the spouses retreat. 

We took a hotel shuttle to a Mexican Restaurant and were eating and having a great time. I decided to go to the restroom before the check came. When I stood up, I started to feel dizzy. I've been having dizzy spells on and off for about a year, but only for a few seconds when I first stand up.   But this time it was different, it just wouldn't go away. 

I came out of the bathroom, and I felt like I was going to pass out, so I stood up against a wall. 

The next thing I remember, is being woken up from a strange dream (I can't remember what it was), and I was surrounded by a bunch of waiters. I was super confused, and I looked down and there was blood all over the floor. The waiter was holding a towel to my forehead and told me to be calm, they were calling 911. 

At some point, my cousin came running over, and I saw flashing lights, indicating that the ambulance had made it. They EMT's came in and said that I would definitely need stitches, but that I didn't have to go with them if someone else could take me to the emergency room. I knew I couldn't go with them, because it would cost me over $800 to go one and a half miles down the road, but since we took the shuttle, no one could drive me either. Right away, one of the waiters offered to take us. 

So, Charlotte and Jennifer rode with me to the hospital while Stephanie went back to get the kids out of daycare. 

I got to the hospital, and Charlotte started crying, which totally freaked me out. They rolled me into the triage center in a wheel chair, and in the big confusion of things, my mom called. Charlotte had my phone, and accidentally answered. I couldn't get very good reception, so the nurse let me call her from the hospital phone. Of course she was totally freaked out... pretty much hysterical, and at that point I just told her that I fainted, not about the gash in my head. 

Thankfully I got into a room right away. They hooked me up to an iv with medicine and saline, ran a ton of tests, and basically said that they didn't know what was wrong. 

5 hours later, I finally got about 7 stitches and got to go back to the hotel. 

When I looked at myself in the mirror, I felt like Frankenstien's Monster. My face was, and still is, super swollen. I also got a sunburn earlier in the day, so it was red too. And, I still had blood all over the place, including all through my hair, which they told me not to wash for 48 hours (that didn't happen). 

So yeah, it was a pretty rough night. 

I'm still trying to figure out why in happened, but I might not ever know. Luckily I got away with just a few stitches and a sore neck! And over all the trip was really fun! 

I need to get to bed now, but I will be back soon! 

So, in about an hour I have a job interview, so I thought I would come here and try to calm my nerves, instead of scrolling through my news feed for the zillionth time this afternoon.

The interview is with an event marketing company in Raleigh, and from what I can tell it seems like an okay job. Maybe not what I want to do with the rest of my life, but considering that I'm only getting paid one more time, I can't be too picky right now.

So, hopefully this will work out.

Let me just jump back into my questions and see how far I can get before I have to leave!

8. What's something you would regret not doing?

- This sort of goes along with my favorite Mantra "What would you do if you weren't afraid?" I guess the first thing that comes to mind is grad school. I would love to go back to school and get my MPH, and I fully intend to as soon as my life settles down a bit. Other than that, I guess I'm not really sure. I would regret it if I didn't move to Raleigh, but I totally plan on doing that later this year. So, I don't know, there are probably other things, but nothing is coming to mind right now.

I just thought of something... getting an oil change... my car is past due.

9. What are you procrastinating on right at this moment? 

- Well I guess I should technically be preparing for my interview, but I don't really know how. I also need to go through my closet and see what clothes I have that I could possibly wear to work if I guest this job. And, I need to try on my old dress pants, to see if any of them fit well enough to keep... which I'm highly doubting. Oh, and I also need to send my cousin Emma a letter that I wrote to her... I'll get to that tomorrow.

10. What is the best thing that happened to you yesterday?

- This is easy, I got a call for this interview! Worst thing that happened yesterday? I fell off the stability ball at the gym. Yikes!

11. What's the last thing you regret buying?

- I've been saving money recently, so I haven't really bought anything lately. I mean, I guess I just regret wasting money on things like Starbucks, and stuff from Target that I don't really need.

Happy Memorial Day!

It's such a nice day, that I'm planning on spending it out in the sun, just as soon as I answer a few more of my questions! These questions are a little trickier than the 4 that I've already answered, but here goes nothing!

7. What mistakes do you make over and over?

-First of all, I spend money on things I don't need. I've gotten a little better at this recently, since I've been trying really hard to save, but over the past year, I've spent so much on things like Starbucks, take out, and just little things that seem great at the time, but that end up on a shelf somewhere, never to be seen again. I really have to work on that.  I also tend to let the opinions of others control me way more than I should. I often hesitate to do things because I wonder what people will think of me if I do. I wish I could be more confident in my own choices, but hopefully that will come in time.

8. What could I learn from you just by meeting your friends?

- I'm not totally sure what this questions means. Does it mean, what would my friends say about me? Or does it mean, what can I learn about you based on who you pick for friends?  Well, I don't really think you could learn very much by looking at what kind of people I choose for friends. My friends are all really different. I don't really choose friends, so to speak, they just kind of happen. I'm not entirely sure what my friends would say about me either. I hope they think I'm fun to be around, and that I help them when they need it. We definitely like to have fun together, so I'm sure they could tell you a ton of crazy stories!

9. What worries you most about your current circumstances?

- Money. Finding a job. Basically anything financially related. For the past year, I've been pretty financially secure, but now I have to find a job, pay the bills, and move out on my own. I'm afraid that it isn't going to happen, and I hate that.

Okay, so that's all for now! I'm going to go work on my tan!

A few days ago I celebrated my 23rd birthday!

It was a pretty nice day. I only had to watch Colt for a couple of hours, we had my favorite dinner (Vegan Crab Cakes), and Charlotte got some vegan cupcakes from our favorite health food store.

Every year around this time, I start to reflect on my life, goals, and dreams. I always try to think back to the year before. What did I think my life would be like by now? How did I measure up to last years goals?

I can never remember.

This year, I decided to be proactive.

Right before graduation, I finished off my print balance, by printing out a bunch of illustrated questions, and compiling them into a book. Until now, I've kind of been unsure of where to go from there. But now I've got it.

I'm going to answer all of them (there are like 30), on this blog, over the next few days/weeks/however long it takes. Then next year, I can do the same thing, and see how I've grown and changed.

So... here goes nothing...

1. What has changed in your life in the past year?

- I could write a super long post answering just this question. My life has changed so much in the past year. The day after I turned 22, I moved to Linden, North Carolina.  I met Colt, and started my new life here. I went to the ocean for the first time in my life (Myrtle Beach), a few weeks later. In July, I flew in an airplane for the first time (from NC to PA and back). I became a member at For Women Only Fitness Center, which has been life changing. I bought my first car (a 2005 Chevy Caviler). I became a vegan. I lost about 64 pounds. I met a lot of really great, interesting, wonderful people. I had a lot of good times, and learned a whole lot about myself.  It has been a good year.

2. What are your top three short-term goals?

- This is tough, because I feel like I have so many goals in so many areas of my life. And what is "short-term" anyways? Okay, so some of my more significant short-term goals are to:  1. Find a job, that I like and that pays the bills. 2. Lose 2 pounds a week until vacation. 3. Save money. For lots of things. For vacation, and then eventually for an apartment... but that is a little further away.

3. What is the most important lesson your grandparents taught you?

- This is hard, and kind of a sensitive subject these days. My mom's parents are getting older. My grandma, who is one of the most amazing, caring, kind people I've ever known, is starting to show signs of Alzheimer's. So grandparents are hard to talk about. But... I think that my Grandma Studer has taught me that love is forever. She took care of my grandpa (and a lot of  other people), until the day he died. She took her wedding vows so seriously. I can only hope that I love someone that much some day.  My Grandma Greathouse taught me to be kind. She treats everyone with respect, and is just so wonderful. I hope that some day people love me like our family loves her. She really is a special person. My Grandpa Greathouse has taught me a lot about hard work and responsibility. He worked for years, even after retirement. He helps anyone who needs it, and he takes care of his family. He is the epitome of what a "Man" should be.

4. If your house burned down, what 3 possessions would you miss most?

- Alright, my answer for this is probably going to be a little shallow. But, I think I would miss my photo albums and scraps books, my clothes, and my electronics (so like my laptop, and digital camera), the most. I cant really give a better answer for that. Maybe someday I will have things that are more sentimental. But for now, that's it.


Okay, so there are some tougher questions coming up, and it is late so I'm going to stop here.

But, I'll be back soon!

Wow, some crazy things have gone on since my last post. I feel like, if I am truly going to be authentic, I need to write about them.

About a month ago, my cousin's parents lost their job as landlords of a small apartment complex. Because one of the benefits of the job was free housing, they also lost their home. I remember how devastated Charlotte was. She told me how helpless she felt being so far away, and having no control over the situation.

I felt bad for them, even though it was their own actions that cause their situation, but I really couldn't relate. I had never gone through anything like that before.

But then, a couple of weeks later, I was talking to my mom, and she casually mentioned that the factory where my dad had worked for the past 27 years was selling his department, and he was "permanently laid off".  I fired a thousand questions at her. What was my dad going to do? Where would he work? There were so many unanswered questions and I had never felt so far away from home.

My mom assured me that everything was going to be okay, and reminded me that my father despised his job anyway... so maybe it was for the best.

It was still scary though.

Now I knew how Charlotte felt.

This past weekend, I was lucky enough to go home to celebrate Colt's first birthday. Talking to my dad made me feel more at ease, though I still worry about him, and wonder if he will ever catch a break.

On the last night home, we planned an early celebration for my birthday which is in a couple of weeks. My dad came over and my mom ran to pick up the cake, when I got a call from my grandpa saying that he was in the hospital, and he needed someone to come get my grandma, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease.

So, my mom went to get her, and my dad and I celebrated my birthday in our own way.

My mom and I ended up staying with my grandma that night, and then after I left my mom was there a few more days before my grandpa came home.

Once again, I felt helpless. It seemed like my mom was taking the whole burden on by herself. None of her siblings were being very helpful. My cousins did what they could, but they have children and families of their own to take care of.

And I kept thinking about my grandma. When I say she is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, I mean really, really early. She can still take care of herself, but gets confused every once in a while, or gets lost, or accidentally leaves the water running.

I kept wondering how she felt, being babysat in some ways. Did she realize what was happening, or did she just think people were overstaying their welcome.

How helpless did she feel?

Anyway, I don't really know how to wrap this post up, but I just wanted to share.

My life has been really great lately, but we all have struggles, and life isn't always so happy.

Colt  has been asleep for the past two hours, which has been absolutely glorious. I love this little guy, but he can definitely be a handful, so a little break every now and then is definitely appreciated.

Speaking of breaks, in less than two weeks, I will be in Ohio for Colt's birthday party. It will only be for about 4 days, but I am so excited to see my parents and a couple of friends!

What I really can't wait for, is my family vacation in July! Last year was one of the best years that I can remember, so I'm hoping that this year is even better. It is only 13 weeks away, so it will be here before I know it! When I get back from vacation, I'm hoping to spend a month in Ohio with my family, before returning to North Carolina to start my new awesome job, whatever that may be.

I'm really optimistic about the future and this summer and just life in general. Things are going so much better than I imagined that they would, and I am so happy that I decided to come here and be here with Charlotte and Colt and to make a life here for myself.

I can't wait to see where my dreams lead me, but I know that no matter what happens I have the best family and friends that I could ever ask for, so I will always be happy.

I can't believe it is April already! Time is just going by way to quickly!

Colt will be one in about a month, which is just insane to me! That also means that I've lived in North Carolina for almost a year, I've been done with college for almost a year, and that it is almost time for me to start searching for my next job.

I found a really awesome website with thousands of job listings for this area. It is all so intimidating. This is the real world.

Before, when I was looking for jobs, or thinking about where I wanted to work, it was all about making money to pay for college or to do fun things. Now though, I have to think about my future. What kind of job will get me where I want to be? What kind of job do I need to pay for the kind of lifestyle I want to have. And, are those jobs even out there?

The next few months are going to be scary. But this is it. This is what I've worked for, and what I've been waiting for.

Ain't Nobody Got Time for That

Something crazy happened here the other day. 

On Monday, Charlotte had to work, while Matt had the day off. Although his dad was here, I was still primarily in charge of taking care of Colt, since Matt had to do some work outside, and wanted to wash his car. Around 9, he started burning some stuff. The recently bought a new oven, so there was a huge cardboard box that needed to be taken care of, along with a few other things. 

At 10:45, Charlotte called and asked him to meet her for lunch, so he put the fire out, and left. 

About 20 minutes later, I got up to get Colt (who was trying to play with the Xbox), and noticed that there was a lot of smoke outside. Upon closer inspection, I realized that a patch of the grass, in the back of the yard, was on fire. 

So, I sat Colt down, called Charlotte, and ran outside to try to put the flames out. 

At that point, the burning patch was probably about 3x5 feet, easily maintainable. I talked to Charlotte and Matt, and they said that if the hose wouldn't reach, there was a bucket in the garage, and that there was also sand in the back of the yard that would work. Matt said that he was on his way, which would take about 25 minutes. 

As I was getting off of the phone, I felt a huge gust of wind, and I turned around just in time to see the fire spread, and the fence start to burn. I yelled that I had to go, and began the process of fighting the flames, all while Colt was at the door crying.  

Within minutes, I realized that it was out of control. As soon as I got the fence out, the wind would blow and feed the fire. Before I knew it, the whole back yard was in flames. 

Just then, the phone rang, and Charlotte asked for an update. I looked through the fence, and saw the flames creeping towards the neighbor's house. 

Matt was about 10 minutes away, having sped the whole way home, and I knew he wouldn't make it in time to contain the fire. So, I told Charlotte she needed to call 911. 

I gave up my fight, and ran to warn the neighbors. I banged on their door, but the only response I got was a couple of barks from the dogs, so I went to the next house over, and Joe, Matt's friend, came out to help. He got his hose out, and prevented the fire from spreading to his yard, and kept the flames away from the middle neighbors house. 

Just as I heard sirens, I turned around and saw the neighbor's shed bursting into dark, black flames. 

Before I knew it, there were four fire trucks out front, with mass chaos everywhere. 

Matt showed up a couple of minutes later, and we all stood in awe of the giant flames. 

Eventually, the firefighters got everything under control. Joe got a hold of the homeowners, and Colt and I went back into our house, both of us a little shaken. 

At the end of it all, the neighbors ended up with a destroyed shed, Matt ended up with a citation, and I ended up with some pretty nasty blisters and bruises. 

It was definitely one of the most stressful experiences of my life. And, obviously I hope it never happens again. 

That night, Charlotte and I had a good laugh, watched the Sweet Brown Youtube video, and went to bed grateful that everything turned out okay. 

"If it doesn't make you feel fabulous, get rid of it."

At the beginning of 2012, I heard this quote, which would later become central to my current life philosophy. 

It comes from fashionista, television star, Stacy London. Stacy was talking about pieces of a wardrobe, but after letting her words soak in, I realized that this idea could, and should, be applied to every part of life. 

No matter how many years that we live, our lives go by fast. At the end of week I sit in awe of how fast the days have gone by. One of my close friends once said something along the lines of, "I don't know why people want time to go fast, I've never had a long day in my life." While I can't relate to the part about not having a long day, I can definitely agree with her perspective. We only have so many days on this Earth, so why do we spend so much time wishing them away?

Similarly, why do we waste time doing things that aren't making us happy? And why do we cling to relationships that drain us, or hinder our ability life the best lives that we can?

I'm super guilty of both of these things. At times, I would rather let myself be unhappy, than to create conflict with other people. What I consider being a good person, others consider being a "wet blanket", or letting people use me.

I've spent a lot of time the past few weeks, trying to figure out what relationships and commitments are the most importance to my happiness, goals, and future. Living so far away from home, I have to make the time I do get to spend in Ohio worth it. This means that I can only take time out for my family and close friends, no matter how tempting it is to spend time with less important people, who just happen to be doing more fun things.

I've had quite a few emotional vampires in my life. People who just suck the life out of me. I've come to realize that those relationships aren't worth it. I can think back to times when I've been in emotional turmoil, or had the weight of the world resting on my shoulders, but instead of being able to communicate that with others, I've listened to them rant about the daily, nonsensical stresses in their lives. I felt like a martyr.

In my head, putting the problems of others above what I needed made me a good friend. In reality, I have had to struggle to treat myself with the same respect. I truly believe that it is impossible to be a good friend to others if you can't be emotionally open with them enough to voice your own needs.

These days, I realize time is precious. I've quietly let a few people fall out of my life, not because they are bad people, but because there are just so many other ways that I should be spending my time.

One lesson I've learned from years of dieting, is that instead of removing all of the bad things from your diet, you must crowd them out. You don't tell yourself you can't have chocolate, you just eat enough kale that you couldn't possibly finish that candy bar.

That is a perfect metaphor for living a happy life. If something doesn't make you feel fabulous, fill your life with so many things that do, that you couldn't possible have time for the bad.    

I've spent more time than I would like to admit contemplating what I should do with this blog. I started this as a creative outlet, a place to come and say the things that are on my mind, and to express myself in a place that wasn't as public as facebook or other social media sites. I wanted my own little corner of the internet that I could use to be myself, while only letting those closest to me in.

These days, I have a few other blogging projects that serve the same purpose. I have a wordpress site that I devote to talking about politics, feminism, and other relevant issues. I have a blog that started out as a diet journal, and is now sort of just a health/lifestyle free for all. Finally, I have a much neglected blog about my adventures in Nannyhood, where I chronicle Colt's milestones, as well as my own.

But what about this space?

I used to spend so much time writing about faith issues. I would blog about the people in my life, and whatever issues 19 year old Stacy was facing at the time. This truly felt like a safe space to do those things.

It is fun to look back from when I started this blog. It shows me how much I have grown over the past few years. Things change so quickly anymore, that I find myself appreciating that nostalgia more and more every day.

The greatest thing, has been reading the words that I wrote during really tough times. Time when I was sure things would never get better, and that things could never get worse. Revisiting my past helps me to see how every experience, now matter how negative, and every relationship, no matter how heartbreaking, has served it's purpose to mold me into who I am today.

I'm proud of who I am.

I'm proud that throughout all of my struggles and triumphs I've remained compassionate. I'm proud that I have the ability to be introspective and critical of my own thoughts and actions. But, most importantly, I'm proud that I've been able to come out of some really shitty situations unscathed.

Without this blog, I wouldn't have a reference point to use to monitor my personal and spiritual growth. If it wasn't for that, I would probably just walk away and say good bye.

But, I'll keep coming back.

I will keep reporting the most important things that happen in my crazy life, because there is no better time than now to spend time reflecting on who I am, and who I want to become.

I know I've posted about the Law of Attraction before, but it is a concept that hasn't ceased to intrigue and excite me.

Today started out pretty rough. On typical mornings, when my alarm goes off, I roll over, open the door, and get ready for Charlotte to bring Colt to me. Apparently I forgot to shut my door last night because I was startled awake at 4:40, because Charlotte saw my open door and thought I was up.

I'm fairly certain the first words out of my mouth were "Oh My God".

After that slightly traumatic experience, Colt decided to lay in bed and thrash around all morning, before he eventually decided he was ready to get out of bed at 6:30.

Because I had such a bad time, I thought today provided a perfect opportunity to practice the Law of Attraction. So, I put on my happy face, and decided that today would be an awesome day.

I think attitude is so important.

We all have that friend, who just has a bad attitude about everyone and everything. You know... that "Woah is me" friend. The one who has a bad outlook on life, and in return live gives her/him crap.

One of my goals in life is to be the antithesis to that person. I genuinely believe that if I wake up expecting the best, then I will get the best. Sure, sometimes tragic things happen. Loved ones die, natural disasters destroy lives. Those are the things worth being in a bad mood about. If I were to spend my life being sad about life's little frustrations, boys who don't want to date me, or all of the money that I don't have, then my life would be so joyless.

On the other hand, when I wake up on days like today and think "Yeah Colt is being difficult, but he is here and happy and healthy." Then everyone wins.

3 Weeks Late, but Here are my Resolutions

The title says it all! 

I've been incredibly busy lately, and I don't see that changing in the near future, but I thought I would drop by and post my New Years Resolutions for 2013! 

Let's hope it is another great year! 

My Resolutions 2013:

1. Make new friends in North Carolina.

2. Get in better shape/ be healthier. 

3. Be more financially responsible. 

4. Find a career that I love. 

5. Journal most nights. 

6. Read more. 

7. Complete most of the Doula Certification process.

8. Reduce the amount of chemicals I use and consume. 

9 Crochet awesome things. 

10. Spend more time meditating. 

11. Run in the Raleigh 6k. 

12. Do more activities with Colt. 

13. Improve my Baby Sign Language vocabulary. 

I planned on taking the time to elaborate on all of these, but I have about a zillion other projects that need my attention. 

I will say that since writing these resolutions on New Years Eve, I have also thought of a few other changes I would like to make this year such as, adopting a whole-foods, plant based, gluten free, vegan diet. I would also like to save a lot of money for when I'm on my own, which will hopefully happen within the year. 

Anyhow, so far the new year has been wonderful. I spent a week with one of my best friends, experience 80 degree weather in January, and have gotten a much clearer picture of my goals for my life. 

I hope everyone is have as great of a year as I am!!