This is from Mohican a couple of falls ago. :-)

This is one of my favorite times of year. I love the smell of pumpkin spice. I love the way the hillside around my house is set on fire with the changing leaves. I love corn mazes, and hayrides, and hoodies.

This fall is kind of unique, because it is my last fall as an undergraduate at Malone. So, in many ways, this season is bittersweet. I'm trying to make the most of this semester and this school year, but it is hard when I am constantly reminded that the real world is just a few months away.

Quite honestly, I'm scared.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I feel as if I'm constantly fighting one particular spiritual battle. When I'm faced with tough decisions, or even little ones, I pray for guidance. I ask God to lead the way, to help me make the decisions that he would want me to make. And then I wait. I wait for an answer or a sign. I wait for some divine inspiration that will show me exactly what I need to do.

But that sign never comes.

James 1:5 tells us that if we ask God for wisdom, God will give it to him. Well, I keep asking... but I'm still waiting.

On Thursday, I met with both of my advisers for the last time. Both of them asked about my next steps. What will I do after I graduate? The truth is, I don't really know. Sure I have a lot of ideas. I know what I want for my life. But how do I know if what I wan't is really in God's plan?

I know that I am supposed to love God, and love others. But there are so many ways to do that. What will make God happy? What will make me happy?

Looking back on my journey, I get a new perspective of the ways that God has influenced my path. I have made a lot of plans for my life. Some of them have worked out, and others haven't, but when I look at the things that ultimately lead to my successes and failures, I can see how God is working in my life.

It's hard to have faith that my life is going to turn out alright, but when I think about all of the reasons I have to be faithful, it becomes a lot easier. If you would have asked me a few years ago where I would be now, I would have said that I would be close to graduating from the branch of Kent State near my house, with a degree in early childhood education.

I'm so thankful that that plan didn't work out.

I guess I'm just saying that...

I don't really know what I'm saying.

God is good... I wish I had more guidance... But even when I don't know what His plan is, he still has a plan that is much better than mine.

Yeah... that's it.

Happy Halloween!

Sometimes I listen to Taylor Swift and imagine that the ideas behind every song she has ever written were taken straight out of my diary. Every lyric seems to reflect a situation that I have gone through, or the teenage angst that still resonates in my heart. Most of my friends feel the same way.

The band Tenth Avenue North is kind of like the Taylor Swift of my spiritual life. Every verse of every song reflects my spiritual journey and my, sometimes strained, relationship with God. This became especially clear when I started listening to the song called You Are More. No other song has ever intertwined so flawlessly with my circumstances and outlook on life.

Before I go on... you should really listen to this song, if you haven't already.

I've heard people talk about how sin is bonding, but I guess I've always just ignored the fact that I have let my own sin stop me from moving on and being the kind of person that God created me to be.

There were a few years of my life where I let sin consume me. Ironically enough, that was the same time when I went to church every Sunday, and was actively involved in my high school's "Christian Club". I spent a lot of time doing things that I knew were wrong, and even more time trying to hide those things from the people I was closest to.

In many ways I'm a different person than I was back then, but I have never been ever to completely get rid of the scar tissue that has taken over my heart.

Looking around, I can see that I'm not alone.

I go to a Christian college. Sometimes it seems like students that I come across every day are perfect, Christian men and women. It would be easy to go on believing that the people around me have somehow been able to lead perfectly pure lives, free from the influences of the world. As soon as I begin to scratch the surface with others, and build genuine friendships, it becomes obvious that this just isn't true.

We have all made mistakes, some bigger than others, and in almost every case, we let these mistakes dictate who we are and how we behave, regardless of the fact that we consider ourselves to be followers of Christ.

Two of the biggest lies that I tell my self on a regular basis are: "I've already done this, so it's okay if I do it again." and "If this person were to ever know what I've done, they would never love me."

These lies can at times be crippling.

This song by Tenth Avenue North talks about all of the things that I've heard over and over again, yet have somehow failed to internalize.

If God has forgiven me for the mistakes that I have made, then it is about time that I let myself be forgiven and, more importantly, forgive myself and move on.

"Well she tries to believe it, that she's been give new life. But she can't shake the feeling, that it's not true tonight. She knows all the answers, and she has rehearsed all the lines. And so she'll try to do better, but then she is too weak to try."

This is so true for so many of us, but God tells us that "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new."

How comforting is that?