This is from Mohican a couple of falls ago. :-)

This is one of my favorite times of year. I love the smell of pumpkin spice. I love the way the hillside around my house is set on fire with the changing leaves. I love corn mazes, and hayrides, and hoodies.

This fall is kind of unique, because it is my last fall as an undergraduate at Malone. So, in many ways, this season is bittersweet. I'm trying to make the most of this semester and this school year, but it is hard when I am constantly reminded that the real world is just a few months away.

Quite honestly, I'm scared.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I feel as if I'm constantly fighting one particular spiritual battle. When I'm faced with tough decisions, or even little ones, I pray for guidance. I ask God to lead the way, to help me make the decisions that he would want me to make. And then I wait. I wait for an answer or a sign. I wait for some divine inspiration that will show me exactly what I need to do.

But that sign never comes.

James 1:5 tells us that if we ask God for wisdom, God will give it to him. Well, I keep asking... but I'm still waiting.

On Thursday, I met with both of my advisers for the last time. Both of them asked about my next steps. What will I do after I graduate? The truth is, I don't really know. Sure I have a lot of ideas. I know what I want for my life. But how do I know if what I wan't is really in God's plan?

I know that I am supposed to love God, and love others. But there are so many ways to do that. What will make God happy? What will make me happy?

Looking back on my journey, I get a new perspective of the ways that God has influenced my path. I have made a lot of plans for my life. Some of them have worked out, and others haven't, but when I look at the things that ultimately lead to my successes and failures, I can see how God is working in my life.

It's hard to have faith that my life is going to turn out alright, but when I think about all of the reasons I have to be faithful, it becomes a lot easier. If you would have asked me a few years ago where I would be now, I would have said that I would be close to graduating from the branch of Kent State near my house, with a degree in early childhood education.

I'm so thankful that that plan didn't work out.

I guess I'm just saying that...

I don't really know what I'm saying.

God is good... I wish I had more guidance... But even when I don't know what His plan is, he still has a plan that is much better than mine.

Yeah... that's it.

Happy Halloween!

Sometimes I listen to Taylor Swift and imagine that the ideas behind every song she has ever written were taken straight out of my diary. Every lyric seems to reflect a situation that I have gone through, or the teenage angst that still resonates in my heart. Most of my friends feel the same way.

The band Tenth Avenue North is kind of like the Taylor Swift of my spiritual life. Every verse of every song reflects my spiritual journey and my, sometimes strained, relationship with God. This became especially clear when I started listening to the song called You Are More. No other song has ever intertwined so flawlessly with my circumstances and outlook on life.

Before I go on... you should really listen to this song, if you haven't already.

I've heard people talk about how sin is bonding, but I guess I've always just ignored the fact that I have let my own sin stop me from moving on and being the kind of person that God created me to be.

There were a few years of my life where I let sin consume me. Ironically enough, that was the same time when I went to church every Sunday, and was actively involved in my high school's "Christian Club". I spent a lot of time doing things that I knew were wrong, and even more time trying to hide those things from the people I was closest to.

In many ways I'm a different person than I was back then, but I have never been ever to completely get rid of the scar tissue that has taken over my heart.

Looking around, I can see that I'm not alone.

I go to a Christian college. Sometimes it seems like students that I come across every day are perfect, Christian men and women. It would be easy to go on believing that the people around me have somehow been able to lead perfectly pure lives, free from the influences of the world. As soon as I begin to scratch the surface with others, and build genuine friendships, it becomes obvious that this just isn't true.

We have all made mistakes, some bigger than others, and in almost every case, we let these mistakes dictate who we are and how we behave, regardless of the fact that we consider ourselves to be followers of Christ.

Two of the biggest lies that I tell my self on a regular basis are: "I've already done this, so it's okay if I do it again." and "If this person were to ever know what I've done, they would never love me."

These lies can at times be crippling.

This song by Tenth Avenue North talks about all of the things that I've heard over and over again, yet have somehow failed to internalize.

If God has forgiven me for the mistakes that I have made, then it is about time that I let myself be forgiven and, more importantly, forgive myself and move on.

"Well she tries to believe it, that she's been give new life. But she can't shake the feeling, that it's not true tonight. She knows all the answers, and she has rehearsed all the lines. And so she'll try to do better, but then she is too weak to try."

This is so true for so many of us, but God tells us that "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things have become new."

How comforting is that?

Free Hugs

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/24KSOI/www.freehugscampaign.org/

"Do people really gain anything from their work? I saw the hard work God has given people to do. God has given them a desire to know the future. He does everything just right and on time, but people can never completely understand what he is doing. So I realize that the best thing for them is to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live. God wants all people to eat and drink and be happy in their work, which are gifts from God. I know that everything God does will continue forever. People cannot add anything to what God has done, and they cannot take anything away from it. God does it this way to make people respect him." Ecclesiastes 3:9-14

I spend more time than I would like to admit planning my life. Planning is good. I need to know what classes I should take, when I should go certain places, and do certain things. It is important that I make plans to do laundry every week and feed my fish every day. These things are good.

The down side comes when I get obsessed with planning every second of every day of my life. There was a time not to long ago when I would detail every moment from the time I woke up in the morning until the time I went to sleep at night. (11 pm to be exact). I could look at my schedule and tell you what time I would be eating dinner, and what time I would be working on psychology homework or a theology paper.

At first I thought it helped me stay focused and organized, but eventually I realized that it was making me miss out on opportunities and experiences. If someone asked me to do something or go somewhere at the last minute, I would either say no or I would go and then feel guilty the whole time, because I knew there was something else I was supposed to be doing.

Once I gave up this control, I realized that I could still be organized and get things done, in a way that was much better for my social life and emotional health.

My obsessive planning unfortunately didn't stop there. I have always tried to plan my future. I feel like, I know what I want, and I'm going to do what it takes to make sure that it happens. The problem is that sometimes my plans don't work out, which is obviously disappointing.

It's like, when God doesn't give me the things I want in my life, I try to take matters into my own hands, and I always fail. This should be evident, I should know that when my plans don't match God's there is nothing that I can do to change that. God created me with a purpose, so his plan for my life is always better than my own. Free will aside, I believe that God's plan will always be carried out, regardless of how much I fight it.

When I stop trying to make my own way in this world, and agree to let God be in control, my anxiety rises. At times I feel like I have more questions than answers. I pray that God will give me wisdom about my life and my future. I want answers, and I want them now... but that's not always how God works.

I think the important thing to remember, is that I do not need to know the future. I just have to believe that everything will work out because, well, everything always works out.

Maybe I'll never be able to totally let go of my desire for control, and I think that's okay. It gives me drive and passion which are important if I'm going to fulfill God's purpose for my life. I just have to learn to go with the flow and enjoy the ride!

The Two Pots

A Water Bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes my water to leak out all the way back to your house." The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, we would not have such beauty." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

At the start of my sophomore year, my friend and RA, Kourtney, gave everyone on my floor a journal with our favorite Bible verse pasted onto the front. My journal is pink and displays Proverbs 31:30, which says that “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Underneath this verse are the words: “The Lord looks at the heart.”

Over the past couple of years, I have filled the pages of this journal with the thoughts, prayers, and observations that have occupied my mind along my personal spiritual journey. Recently, I’ve noticed that I only have a few pages left, so I started to read the things that I have written to God and to myself, and it has become painfully clear that I have failed to internalize this favorite verse of mine.

Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, and yet so many times I have asked God to make me more beautiful, or to help me to improve some part of my life that keeps me from living up to the world’s definition of beauty.

In the book “Captivating”, the authors say that “Shame is what makes us look away, so that we avoid eye contact with strangers and friends.” What exactly is it that makes us feel so ashamed that we can’t look into the eyes of someone who knows nothing about us, someone who can only see us from the outside?

The book goes on to declare that “Many women feel this way. We can’t put words to it, but deep down we fear there is something terribly wrong with us. If we were princesses, our prince would have come. If we were the daughter of a king, he would have fought for us. We can’t help believe that if we were different, if we were better, then we would have been loved as we so longed to be. It must be us.”

It’s sad to think of how guilty we all are of letting our vision of our self, our self-worth, be determined by anyone but God.

It’s sad that when we fail to live up to what we see in magazines or on television, we consequently develop a sense of shame that prevents us from living out God’s plan for our lives.

Staci Eldredge said that we are “Passionately loved by the God of the Universe,” and “Passionately hated by his enemy.” We can either choose to accept the love that God has for us by trying to see ourselves through his eyes, or we can accept the lies that the enemy feeds us in order to make sure that we can never reach our full potential.

We live in a culture, in a world, that emphasizes external beauty in a way that makes us believe that if we were just more “beautiful”, if we were skinnier, had better skin or hair, that we could be more successful. We could be happy if only we were pretty.

The Bible makes it perfectly clear that these delusions that we hold are incredibly false.

1 Samuel 16:7 says that “God told Samuel ‘Looks aren’t everything. Don’t be impressed with his looks and stature. I’ve already eliminated him. God judges persons differently than humans do. Men and women look at the face, God looks into the heart.’”

So, If God says that our heart is what determines our beauty… what kinds of things can we do to make our hearts more beautiful? Shouldn’t compassion, love, and kindness replace dieting, plastic surgery and the 22 Billion dollars that is spent on cosmetics in America every year?

1 Timothy 2 says “I want women to get in there with the men in humility before God, not primping before a mirror or chasing the latest fashions but doing something beautiful for God and becoming beautiful doing it.”

What if everyone suddenly started judging people by the beautiful things that they have done, rather than by their outward appearance?

I read somewhere that Kim Kardashian was voted the most beautiful woman on Earth. I don’t think anyone can deny that she is gorgeous; some may even call her perfect, but if we were to vote again, according to the criteria that God has provided, I’m sure the results would be different. Women like Mother Teresa and Clara Barton surely take top honors.

Our purpose as Christians is do things that will bring glory to God, not to do things that will bring glory to ourselves. I’m not saying that it is wrong to want to be physically attractive, but when we let our desires be come obsessions, the end is never as attractive as we imagine. These obsessions lead to eating disorders, depression, and self-esteem problems none of which are even remotely beautiful.

When we are finally able to learn that superficial beauty fades and that in God’s eyes we are all beautiful, we will be able to create passions and priorities that will allow us to be the beautiful people that we were created to be.

Sharpening Iron

“As Iron Sharpens Iron, So One Man Sharpens Another”- Proverbs 27:17

During our sophomore year, my friend Brooke and I decided that we wanted to decorate the living room in the suite that we shared in Devol Hall. We started by texting our other suitemates and asking them what their favorite Bible verses were. When Sasha responded by saying that she liked Proverbs 27:17, we kind of laughed about it. Iron? What? At the time, it didn’t really make much sense, but we plastered it on our wall anyhow, and I kind of forgot about it until last year.

During the fall semester of my junior year, there was a huge amount of conflict between some of the people who I now see as some of my closest friends. One drama followed another, and quite honestly it was depressing. I tend to feed off of the happiness of others, so when everyone around me was angry and bitter, my mood reflected that. With nothing else to do, I opened my Bible and began to read about relationships and friendships. Eventually, I came across this verse and all of a sudden it made so much sense. Sasha didn’t seem so crazy any more.

I’ve always said that God is really hard to ignore at Malone. We go to chapel twice a week, and almost every class examines the ways which we can integrate our faith into whatever it is we are studying. More than anything though, God presents himself in interactions with others. Who we are is shaped by the people around us, and I must say that Malone is full of some pretty amazing people…which is why I struggle so much with being at home.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being home. I have the best family that I could ever ask for, and I have some pretty great friends too, but the late night theological conversations and faith integration moments just don’t happen here. I spend a lot of my time alone while I’m home, which is in some ways good, because with all of the extra time on my hands, I have no excuse not to spend time with God. I think, however, that being in community with other Christians, is an essential part of a relationship with Christ.

The past few weeks have made me miss going to floor Bible study, worshiping at Celebration, and being able to hear what God is doing in the lives of all of my friends. It has also made me appreciate the awesome community experience that Malone provides. I miss being surrounded by friends and laughing at all hours of the day.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that you don’t really know how important the people in your life are until you have to be separated from them! I truly feel as if God blesses me every day through the people he brings into my life. And while I can’t wait to get back to the amazing Christian community of Malone, I am going to try to build better relationships with the people that he as placed in my life for this season.

A Few of My Favorite Things

The older I get, the more I realize how much I enjoy the simple things in life, such as a good cup of coffee, or a late night thunderstorm. In light of this realization, I thought that I would compile a list of some of my favorite things in life:

1. Waking up before my alarm goes off- This can work in two ways. Either I wake up a couple of hours before its time, and I get to go back to sleep, or I wake up a few minutes early fully refreshed. In both scenarios, I win.

2. Almond milk- A couple of semesters ago, my friend Christy introduced me to Almond milk during a late night study party. I kind of forgot about it until Christmas break, when my health freak cousin, Charlotte, reminded me of how great it is. Not only does it taste amazing, but it also has a ton of calcium and zero fat. I love adding it to coffee, hot chocolate, and tea!

3. My dog Lebron- As I’m typing this, my precious little buddy is lying on the floor next to me. I’ve had him since I was fourteen, and he has been with me through some pretty tough times. One of my favorite things about being at home is when he greets me in the morning with a wagging tail and lots of puppy dog kisses.

4. Criminal Minds- I can thank Brooke for this one. For a long time she told me I should watch this show, and that I would love it. Well, one night I finally gave in and I haven’t looked back. Besides the fact that it is all about analyzing behavior (one of my hobbies), Reid, Hotch, Morgan, and Garcia are like the cool friends that every psychology major would love to have.

5. My Blender- A couple of summers ago, my grandma bought me an old, but functional blender for five dollars at a yard sale. I spent hours concocting new smoothies and coffee drinks, so this year my dad bought me a really cool ninja blender as a replacement. My friends and I meet twice a week in my dorm room for smoothie parties featuring fresh ingredients that we steal out of the cafeteria. I’m sure they will miss it this summer, but I plan on enjoying many, many blended drinks.

6. Zumba- During my sophomore year, one of the girls on my floor decided to drag me to a Zumba class that is held every Monday night on campus. Honestly, the only reason I went was because I felt bad saying no, but I am so glad that I did. Zumba is an awesome cardio workout that basically just feels like a big dance party. A lot of Zumba classes stick to Latin routines, but Tammy, my instructor, mixes things up with rock and hip hop songs like “Riding Solo” and “Burn it to the Ground.” It is so fun that it doesn’t feel like exercise!

7. My iPod Touch- I got my iPod Touch for Easter about two years ago and my life would be so boring without it! I listen to music all of the time, when I’m walking to class or getting ready in the morning. My favorite songs? “As You Cry”- by The Hush Sound and anything by Tenth Ave. North.

8. Malone University- Okay, call me a dork but I genuinely love college! I love learning new things and meeting new people. I absolutely believe that I wouldn’t be having such a great time at college if I would have gone anywhere other than Malone. When it came time to look at colleges, Malone was the only school I even considered. God has blessed me so much by leading me to this amazing place. The past three years have been full of academic, emotional and spiritual growth, and I know that my senior year will be just as life changing.

9. Lake Erie – Anyone who knows me could have guessed that this would be on my list. My family has been vacationing at the Lake for over 50 years in a little resort town called Geneva-On-The-Lake. From swimming, to searching to beach glass, to sitting on the deck watching the sun go down, the week we spend their every summer is hands down the best week of the year.

Well, not only is it bedtime, but I’m all out of favorite things for now! I hope everyone is having a great summer! I’ll be sure to update soon!

Usually, I start off every summer with a list of goals. Things that I want to do to make sure that I have an awesome, and meaningful, summer. There are always things that I accomplish- like thoroughly enjoying my vacation, as well as some less successful endeavors- such as finding a job that I actually like, or spending time with all of my old friends. While having goals is always a positive thing, I’ve decided that this summer, I want to relax and just enjoy my time at home, without trying to conform to a laundry list of things to accomplish. Had I decided to make a list, however, one thing that would have been at the top of this list is updating this blog on a regular basis.

During the school year, I prefer to spend my free time experiencing great things rather than writing about them. Hopefully this summer I will remember to take the time to reflect on the happenings in my life so that looking back, I can see just how good this summer has been.

Usually, I start off every summer with a list of goals. Things that I want to do to make sure that I have an awesome, and meaningful, summer. There are always things that I accomplish- like thoroughly enjoying my vacation, as well as some less successful endeavors- such as finding a job that I actually like, or spending time with all of my old friends. While having goals is always a positive thing, I’ve decided that this summer, I want to relax and just enjoy my time at home, without trying to conform to a laundry list of things to accomplish. Had I decided to make a list, however, one thing that would have been at the top of this list is updating this blog on a regular basis.

During the school year, I prefer to spend my free time experiencing great things rather than writing about them. Hopefully this summer I will remember to take the time to reflect on the happenings in my life so that looking back, I can see just how good this summer has been.

Eleven weeks till my favorite part of the summer!