Saying Goodbye, and the Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm going to be okay.

I just keep telling myself that.

Things are going to be okay.

On Monday morning, I called Jim and asked him to come over to say goodbye.

Our last few moments together were great. He hugged so tightly, and kissed me goodbye and I felt like he really "meant it", whatever that means.

When we said goodbye, we promised to stay in touch, even though I knew it wouldn't really happen.

He told me to text him when I got home and let him know I made it... and it felt like he really cared.

Fast forward to 8 hours later. As soon as I pulled in to my driveway, I texted him to let him know I was home.

After an hour went by and I didn't hear back from him, I just started to feel really sad. And then finally, I got a reply, and I was happy again.

Then it donned on me how ridiculous it was that I was finally home with my family, on this new journey, and I was going to let my happiness be determined by whether or not some man texted me back or not.

So, I made a decision. A hard decision, but the best decision for everyone, I think.

I decided to tell Jim that I wasn't going to try to keep in touch.

It was hard, but I just kept thinking about how well things ended and that is how I want to remember him. I want to remember all of the times he made me laugh, and the times that we just laid on the couch talking about life, and all of the things that he said that made me feel amazing.

I want to remember him as the best person I met in North Carolina, rather than as the guy who I hooked up with a few times and then never heard from again.

I think it is going to be hard. Right now, everything reminds me of him.

I will text him before his surgery next month, and I will text him when I go to get my stuff from North Carolina and see Joe... but I'm not going to hold on to the hope that we are ever going to be together.

So, I think I'm doing the right thing.

As for everything else.. those things are okay too. My family drama has worked itself mostly out, and now I have time to focus on job searching and figuring out what I want to do with my life.

I'm going to be okay.

It's my last day in North Carolina!

It's crazy how I feel today. The past few days have been an insane emotional roller coaster, and I'm just ready to get off.

Between family drama, the idea of leaving Jim, and the stress of not having a job anymore, I've been kind of depressed. So, I'm ready to get in my car and leave it all behind for a while.

I feel like my day tomorrow is going to consist of saying goodbye to Jim, and being sad about it. Driving for 8-10 hours and being miserable. And then going home to all kinds of crazy, unnecessary drama.

But, I do think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think once I walk away from Jim, it will be easier to get over the "What could have been". And hopefully being home will help me find some clarity to all of my other problems.

I am so excited to go be around the people I love the most.

Hopefully my next few posts will be happier. I really am glad that I've made the decision to go back home. This past year has been amazing in so many ways, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. But it's time...

I'm kind of marveling at how my answers to a lot of my "questions" have already changed in just a couple of months. So, I figure I better hurry up and answer the rest over the next few days, so that I will really have a snapshot of who I was around the time I turned 23.

12. What do you appreciate most about your current situation?
        - I guess, more than anything, I appreciate all of the people in my life. My situation isn't necessarily ideal, and there are a lot of improvements that I need to make, but I have an amazing family and the best friends that I can ever imagine having, which makes any situation okay.

13. In one sentence, who are you?
      - I am an emerging adult, trying to find her place in this world.

14. What are ten things in your life right now that make you smile?
       - Colt, Jim, loud music in my car, good conversations with friends, friendly people, funny things I find on the internet, the endorphins I get from exercising, veganism, my mom, the future (sometimes).

15. What general qualities do you typically notice about people when you first meet them?
       - I guess I notice how easy someone is to talk to. As soon as I meet someone, I try to determine if I think they would make a good friend, which typically requires friendliness and a good sense of humor.

16. What is your purpose?
       - I wish I knew.... I think to help people. But, I don't know who and I don't know how.

17. Who brings out the best in you? Who brings out the worst in you?
       - I would say Wendy, Megan, Gina, Amanda, and my mom, bring out the best in me. I'm not sure who brings out the worst in me. Or maybe I do know, but I can't answer.

18. When do you feel most attractive?
       - Usually right before bed, when I'm about to wash all of my makeup off and put on my pajamas.

19. What is one fear that you know is holding you back?
        - I'm really afraid of failing. I'm really afraid of making a bad decision, so sometimes I just shut down and don't make any decisions at all.

20. What is something that you have always wanted to try?
       - Hmmmm I'm not sure. I'll have to think about this one.


On that note, I'm gong to bed.

I have so much to say these days apparently.

I'm in a great mood this morning. Yesterday I made a big decision, that I'm really happy about! I'm moving back to Ohio! Cleveland to be specific.

I had a phone interview at the place where my best friend works, so hopefully I can get a job there, but either way, this time in 2 weeks I will be in Ohio again.

I'm nervous and excited at the same time.

I have so much to do.

I am ready.... but I'll still miss Jim.

When Did Life Become so Bitter Sweet

I'm a bad person... get over it.

Yesterday Jim and I were laying together on his couch. He had been sick all day, and I accidentally woke him up from a nap. As I laid there, I could feel his heart thump inside of his chest. It was such a sweet moment, until I remembered that the reason his heart was beating so hard is because he is so sick.

Sometimes I dwell on the fact that he has been right next door for so long and I didn't even know it. But now, I'm starting to think that maybe it is a good thing.

Either way, we are both leaving this place, and I know that it would be so much harder to say goodbye had we met back in October.

But... I still can't help but think that maybe, if fate wouldn't have gotten in the way, we could have made this work.

Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe he is dishonest, and maybe I would never trust him enough for a relationship to work.... but I guess now I will never know.

For now, I'm going to enjoy the time we have left together and maybe someday we will cross paths again. And things will be just as magical.

I Know the Ending of this Story

I never thought I would be that girl? The girl who would be willing to break up a relationship. The girl who would kiss another girls' boyfriend and not even think twice.

But I am that girl. No, I'm worse than that girl.

For five days, I saw the girlfriend's car sitting in his driveway. I hated that car. It was bright red and obnoxious, just like I thought she would be.

On Friday, my friend an I made brownies, and decided to take some over to Jim and Will. Jim answered the door, and once again I was taken back by how perfect he is. His smell, the way he looked at me, everything was perfect. I heard the girlfriend in the background, and saw her moving around on the couch. But at that point she was still just a face, not a real person. Jim invited Megan and I over later for a fire. I was surprised, but excited. But that night, the fire didn't happen.

The next day, Megan and I were taking a painting class, when Jim invited us to another fire. I was nervous, I didn't want to meet his girlfriend. I didn't want to see them together. But, I wanted to be around him, so we went.

It was interesting.

I think the girlfriend knew something was up from the beginning. She was nice. I would probably be her friend if I wasn't trying to steal her boyfriend. But from the conversations we all had sitting around the fire, it was pretty obvious the Jim and I have spent a lot of time together.

A couple of weeks earlier, Jim talked to my mom on the phone, so when my mom called at this fire, he asked to talk to her again. We had inside jokes and texted each other while at the fire. Then, I mentioned that I thought I had glass in my foot, which is a whole other story, and Jim came over to check it out. He held on a little too long. I wasn't really paying attention to the rest of the people at the fire but Megan said the conversation went something like this:

Will: "Man I don't know how you are doing that, I hate feet!!"
Danielle: (In an annoyed tone) "Yeah, Jim hates feet too."

She went to bed shortly after that, without saying goodbye.

After everyone left (including Megan), Jim and I had time to talk. I told him that Danielle was nice, and that I didn't want her to be nice. I wanted to hate her, but I couldn't. He said she was in a bad mood, and that she was leaving in the morning. We put out the fire and he walked me home.

We talked for a few minutes, and I couldn't hold back. I grabbed him and kissed him and it was just like before.

I became that girl.

And at least for now, I don't regret it.

He told me I make things difficult. He said that he needs to think and that he has a decision to make.

I told him that I was jealous of his girlfriend, because she was with him and she got to spend time with him. He said that I'm the one he thinks about. He said he can't control himself around me and that he enjoys spending time with me.

We kissed some more and then he went back home.

I was getting ready for be and I got a text...

"Stacy, I can't explain it, I just enjoy being with you. We've been neighbors for 9 months, why did I just meet you now."

Because life sucks, that's why.

There is one person in this whole place that was worth meeting. He has lived next door since October, and now I meet him? Right when he is getting ready to leave? After he started dating his girlfriend.

If things would have been different, if the timing would have been right, who knows what might have happened? But he is leaving at the end of the month to go back to Boston, and I'm going to Ohio soon. And things just won't work.

And it just isn't fair.

I know the ending of our story. He will stay with his girlfriend, go back to Boston, and forget about me. I will spend the next few months wondering what might have been, until I find someone new. We will promise to keep in touch, even though we both know it wont happen.

And that will be it... and I couldn't be more bitter.