What would it look like if I were to really, truly, and compmletely give my life to God?

I really don't know.

I have a penpal who is about my age, who is in prison in another state. When we first started writing, she told me that she was afraid to give her life to God because she didn't want to "get sent to Africa". I laughed at first, but then I really thought about it, and I have the same fears.

If I give my heart, and my mind and my actions to God, what things, what people am I going to have to cut out of my life? What thoughts am I going to have to block out of my mind, what people will I have to encounter? What might I have to give up?

Because living for God is more than going to church on Sundays and reading the Bible. Although these things are wonderful, to really follow God means to rely on him to guide your every step. It means trusting his guidance, even if it means reaching way out of your comfort zone... even if you have to go to Africa...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not by any stretch of the imagination claiming that I live 100% for God. To be honest, I often struggle with the lack of God in my own life. It takes real, child like faith to just jump and let the Father Catch us...

Here is one of my favorite songs, about just that... its by a singer named Francesca Batistelli.. .she's awesome so I really encourage you to check out her other music as well!

Just a thought...

To be perfectly honest, I came into this semester with a really bad attitude. I wasn't really mad, it was more of a general sense of annoyance and frustration. The bad part is that I'm not really sure what it is that I was so discontent about. I love this school, I love my friends that are here, my professors, and I really love education. I just want to be like a sponge and suck it all in. But for some reason, I came to the conclusion that I was going to "stick it to the man" this year, and not put up with anyone, even though I really had no one to "put up" with.

I guess my heart I know exactally where my resentment comes from. I'm not really proud of it, but I have a tough time letting go of grudges, and these days they seem to be piling up. Last year I had a lot of conflict in my life, just from different situations that I dont really want to get into. Most people probally are blissfully unaware of the conflict, but nonetheless it was there in my mind, and I've been building and reniforcing walls between us ever sense.

The fact of the matter is, that I get hurt really easily. I seem to have a problem with asserting myself, and when people take advantage of that, I get hurt. So often, I'll be cut off mid-sentence, or I'll try to open up to someone who disreguards my feelings which really does a number on my self- esteem. When this happens, I always remember... always.

I think all of us have something inside of us who enjoys our own moodieness. Its kind of a way of being in control. Truthfully, being sort of meloncholy feels good every once in a while, its almost relaxing to get rid of the overstimulation in our lives. So, I suppose I take advantage of the flaws of others and bulid my walls because in my crazy hectic life, its the one thing I can control. I decide who to let in and who will never know the real me.

I guess its something to work one, to be aware of. If I can tear down these walls, and learn to silently forgive... who knows what magnificant relationships I could build.

Just a thought...