To be perfectly honest, I came into this semester with a really bad attitude. I wasn't really mad, it was more of a general sense of annoyance and frustration. The bad part is that I'm not really sure what it is that I was so discontent about. I love this school, I love my friends that are here, my professors, and I really love education. I just want to be like a sponge and suck it all in. But for some reason, I came to the conclusion that I was going to "stick it to the man" this year, and not put up with anyone, even though I really had no one to "put up" with.
I guess my heart I know exactally where my resentment comes from. I'm not really proud of it, but I have a tough time letting go of grudges, and these days they seem to be piling up. Last year I had a lot of conflict in my life, just from different situations that I dont really want to get into. Most people probally are blissfully unaware of the conflict, but nonetheless it was there in my mind, and I've been building and reniforcing walls between us ever sense.
The fact of the matter is, that I get hurt really easily. I seem to have a problem with asserting myself, and when people take advantage of that, I get hurt. So often, I'll be cut off mid-sentence, or I'll try to open up to someone who disreguards my feelings which really does a number on my self- esteem. When this happens, I always remember... always.
I think all of us have something inside of us who enjoys our own moodieness. Its kind of a way of being in control. Truthfully, being sort of meloncholy feels good every once in a while, its almost relaxing to get rid of the overstimulation in our lives. So, I suppose I take advantage of the flaws of others and bulid my walls because in my crazy hectic life, its the one thing I can control. I decide who to let in and who will never know the real me.
I guess its something to work one, to be aware of. If I can tear down these walls, and learn to silently forgive... who knows what magnificant relationships I could build.
Just a thought...
No comments:
Post a Comment