I had a frustrating conversation with my 85 year old grandpa last weekend, that ended with the sentence "You can't just babysit forever."

Ugh. As if I don't feel lame enough that I don't have a "real job", my grandpa, whose approval I want, has to subtly remind me that he isn't impressed with my lifestyle choices. 

I have this tennis match constantly going on in my head. On one side, I am so happy where I am. I love waking up to Colt's smiling face. I love meeting new people and hearing their stories. And, I love that I have been able to get away from Ohio, and from everyone else's ideas about what I should be doing with my life. 

But, the other side of the net isn't so pretty. That side is filled with the voices of people who have high expectations for me. People who probably wouldn't like to see that I'm not using my degree to do great things. That side is also filled with all of my own doubts. 

Why am I here?

What am I afraid of?

Does what I'm doing even matter?

These are the thoughts that put me in a crazy funk. That make me question my own worth. Am I making an impact on the world? Or am I just copping out because I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it in the real world. 

But, when I hear Colty laugh, or when he starts to learn new things... I realize that what I'm doing DOES matter. If I weren't here, Colt would be in Day Care. He wouldn't be able to go to the Little Gym every week. His first smiles, rolls, and steps would be shared with strangers, and not with someone who loves him. He wouldn't get fed on demand, and he would have to wear disposable diapers. And he wouldn't be able to play in his own house, and with his own toys, where he doesn't have to worry about catching whooping cough or any of the other diseases his fragile immune system hasn't been vaccinated against. 

You see, I'm so desperate to know that I'm making a difference. I want my thoughts and words to be so important that people listen. I want to change lives. I want to accomplish so much. 

When I think of accomplishments, I think of money. I'm surrounded by people who joined the army, the equivalent of selling your freedoms to the government, just because they want a good paycheck. Is money what matters? If so, I'm nothing. 

When I think of accomplishments, I think of my peers who started graduate school this semester, so sure that they know what they want to do in life. Is that important now? Do I need to be ready for grad school? Do I need to know what I want to spend the next 40 years doing? If so, I guess I'm screwed.  

There is a website, where you can type in your age, and it tells you what others your age have accomplished. 

Don't do it.... it WILL mess with your confidence. 

But, do you know what helps my confidence?

The fact that I know that I'm appreciated.  The fact that I know that the things I'm doing in Colt's life are helping him to be happy and healthy. The fact that I've spent 5 months trying to teach an infant how to sign the words "milk", "more", and "up", and now he is finally trying to sign back.

That is how I'm making a difference. 

That is what I'm doing with my life. 

Call me a "babysitter" all you want. But recognize that I'm working harder than most people my age. I'm working 60 hours a week, doing my very best to make life better for a little boy who I adore. 

So yeah, I could get a "real job", and I will, but why would I rush it? 

I'm doing exactly what I'm meant to be doing.